loud, something to fill my mind that i can slosh around, boot stompin', perfect mosh music, and sway worthy

i heard this band for the first time live and i had no idea who they were and god was it a fuckin' awesome surprise. well truthfully my cousin knows someone in the band but that is something i learned after planning to go to the show.

this concert was formative for me as it was at a time where my mind was full of a million rubber balls bouncing around and colliding into one another. i decided to go to this concert alone to just do something for myself and i was happy that i did. i arrived and i decided it was the night i would mosh. that night i came in a jacket, white button up, tie, and some black dress pants. i was also wearing some white hightop converse, rookie mistake. but it was fine and so i had decided that this night would also be one in which i would stand close to the stage and i would mosh. i was kinda scared coz im kind of a fragile person, mentally mostly but beyond that im just a lanky guy.

i had moshed a bit to a band i have really grown to like, toothache, and i was ready to continue. i had seen a guy that was in one of my classes in the semester prior. i had convinced myself he hated me coz one day he didn't move to let me sit next to him when i was having a depressive episode and like i spiraled so bad and like i found out that literally he couldn't have cared less and we had a good little time saying hi to one another. i doubt you'll see this but hi zach! anywho, on came cenöbite. thus far in my local scene i had only really been acquianted with a cishet dominant punk presentation and the band prior along with this one seemed to change that. this would soon change, that night i heard lyrics of girls kissing girls, and shit like that just makes me happy.

the music started and it was just so LOUD and oh my god it was so nice to just be pushed around and put into the hands of a crowd and sort of lose control of myself. it was nice to feel like the person that i was did not matter at that moment and that there was a mild form of instrumentality taking place that took me out of myself and made me instead just a part of the crowd. it was just what i needed. it was also the feeling of being pressed in between these people, it was like being a little kid again and having someone much larger than you lay on you. it's a welcome pressure that i enjoyed and think about a lot and yearn for.

the music following the performance has become something i use to drown out everything else and just clear my mind. i have the album on loop at work so i can focus on whats going on in front of me and not be stuck in my head wondering why i embarass myself daily. i like almost all of the songs, they all have a place in my heart though some i definetly love some more than others. i just really enjoy the vocalist, he can really let loose and let his sound come from such an untouched and pure place. i want to be able to scream like they do and i may be able to one day if i try hard enough.

my absolute favorite would HAVE to be botanical everything, but some notable others include the apartment, money broom wizard, and old country buffet 2

botanical everything is the song i associate most with their performance and hearing it reminds me of the feelings i had when i was being shoved and sandwiched between those sweaty strangers. it was really a moment where i felt like i could forget how i looked and what i was doing and just really be self-indulgent in a crowd. love that song to death and have had it on repeat for the last week and will continue to loop it for the foreseeable future.