2023-03-12 : satellites
guys. oh my GOD!!! ok so first of all hi =] let me get into how ive been... its been a while!!!
so anywho i have been doing better and better and better and like. i have been really following my intuition and shit like that lately and have been using the knowledge i have gained through this like. healing time and just acting in ways that I knew would lead me to where I want to be.
so i got tinder.
guys, tinder and bumble and all those apps are sooooo fucking weird!!! like it is so weird to like... ok so here is how it appears to me. like when youre swiping through those apps it is just based on appearance and i was just swiping through people but at times i could see a person's profile and after taking it in i could see a life with them and whether that was something i would like. i would analyze their details and how they could fit into my life, the dynamics we could have or whatever. it's weird and like. a little overwhelming! i met some nice people and some annoying ones but like. hehe im kinda embarassed to say that i found someone i really like. not embarassed of him though, never
ill refrain from saying too much specific shit but like. it is so weird to like. meet someone and feel like you guys have like. been meant to meet eachother yknow? it wasnt really ever awkward, at least not for me. its been a whirlwind and like it moved so fast but its not anything that has overwhelmed me. and im always overwhelmed!!! it was just something that my heart and body and blood have been pulling me towards. I know what i want and its this. its to pursue this. and he wants it too, it's the best part. he told me as much =]
sometimes it really does feel like just setting your eyes on someone or touching them sets off a fire in your body. its something i find hard to decribe but like. once you feel it you kinda chase it. and like being with someone can feel so right. and like all of the things that made you sad before are just nothing at all to you. grains of sand in your shoe you can just empty out.
i mean beyond that... i have just been healing independently hehe. i still journal everyday and i think that has helped me. i have been out of the house for a few days but doing my journaling has helped me not feel so out of place. the thing i do every night is still there, and im able to slow things down wherever i am and really be pensive for a moment. i am able to take time for myself and have me-time. and it's so cool, like all my friends respect it! crazy right! even my uh.... new friend is super into just chilling there while i journal. he rubbed my back while i was writing last time and it really just made my heart full. oh god i just feel so full. of love and joy and happiness!
i feel like the growth ive made in the last few months has been so important and it will ready me for whatever is ahead of me in the future. i feel like a changed person. maybe im being dramatic or something, but i honestly feel like the role i play in the lives of my friends and such is completely different. i used to be this person that waits for calls and puts up acts like i dont really care... but im not on offense anymore, i play support. i call because i care and i say the things i want to hear. "i love hanging out with you!" "you make me happy" "thanks for understanding" "im always here for you"
i just love my life so much more these days and im operating through the love in my heart and i am letting it endlessly guide me towards the life i was meant to live. it can be easy to say things are meant to be when youre in a good place but i think i truly have been guided to where i needed to be and i am in a place in my life where im secure in the friends and choices i make. i love them all! every choice i make is honest, and i feel proud of where i am now because of it,
this newest person in my life has been the greatest test in this endeavor to just. express myself and show love and vulnerability. and it has been so rewarding. ive just been kinda saying whats on my mind and he has too and things kinda just work. we understand eachother so well and its like. we fit together like puzzle pieces =] meant to fit together, and we help eachother paint a complete picture together... hehehe it feels pure and like theres so much joy to be had between us and. AHH!!! im so excited. we're gonna see satellites together... if that makes sense... hehehe
idk how to say it without sounding dumb and stupid and disney. so maybe i wont in fear of sounding a little stupey... but uh... i love telling people how i feel about them and why i like them. you should too!!!
last thing ill mention is that ive been leaving little presents around town in hopes that someone finds it and it brightens their day. or gives them something good to talk about. ive done some cd mixtapes thus far but i plan to spread around some voupie.lol stickers as far as i can send them. the world's a magical place!
i feel like i sound so stupid but like idk i think i have found self love or whatever. moreso i found a love within myself that makes me fall in love with everyone i meet. not romantically but like. in the evrything everywhere all at once movie. that movie is so fucking good and probably helped with this lifestyle change. i love people!
im so happy yall. and im so excited to share it. especially with one person in particular. YOOHOO!!! talk to you guys soon!
2023-02-25 : fuck!
omg so it's been a little while. both from this blog in particular as well as just my contributions to this website. sorry about that by the way =T. anywho, i wanted to talk about being crazy again. and lord is there a lot to say. also i want to say if u r my ex reading this,,,, i dont really mind but like also i dont know that i'd recommend it? go where ur soul tugs you. that aside i hope that anything i say here can resonate with like, anyone out there. life has been tough recently.
let me preface this, firstly, by saying that I am doing a lot better than i have been. ive been going out with friends, journaling, and i continue to cook for myself almost every day. that being said i am in like. a transitional period i think. im still very heartbroken which i am coming to terms with and have accepted as something i am working towards. uhm. i process my emotions really slowly and i feel kinda stupid about that sometimes. it can be super frustrating when other people are able to move on from situations much faster than me. i am a slow person and i am young and uneducated.
to put this into perspective, i went through a breakup in november but like. the gravity of that situation did not hit me until like the middle of the following february. whoops! breakups suck a lot. it can make u feel so crazy i feel like sometimes. like i ALREADY feel crazy coz of im anxiety and adhd and shit but then like i just do shit i didnt know i was capable or like. likely to do. not to be so fucking annoying but i would consider myself a pretty nonchalant person i suppose. laid back or whatever and things dont bother me all too often. but like omg i have hit SERIOUS lows. like i was listening to the song tire swing by kimya dawsom while crying and idk if any of u have ever cried while singing but like i just felt so so so low.
journaling has helped me a lot, i've realized a lot of things. im a very jealous person ive learned. not just in love but in life, i am always comparing myself to others and i never give myself the grace i deserve. i am always inadequate compared to someone else or im trying too hard, im too skinny, my lips arent big enough, my nose is too big, or maybe my personality just drives people away. it's pretty maddening shit. but like i said, i am at a place where im acknowledging things and thinking of ways to work past them or like. work with them? i dont know, i just want to be a healthy person.
speaking of being healthy ive just begun a routine of doing several "just dance" routines a day to like. stay active during the wintertime. it works for me i guess is all i can say. ive been doing a lot of creative things too which i think is really good for me. that being said, i think creativity often comes to me in times of despair, and despair has been bountiful as of late. i made a breakup playlist recently though thats been helping hehe. uh, ill link that... HERE. having gone through this, i have really been resonating with certain songs and messages in a way that i haven't been able to before. it makes me realize why so many breakup songs exist, its such a powerful and painful thing. it can hurt so much to feel like someone's actions that they just do as they go through life can matter so much to you. i've been living in delusion too which is a whole OTHER thing....
i am delusional at times and like. IM WORKING ON IT I SWEAR!!! i just like think certain things that people around me do are to hurt me or that like. people ignore me on purpose. or maybe that certain emojis mean more than they are intended. even typing this i feel like crazy, but my friends have been able to help me through these things and im slowly grounding myself after that like. emotional volcano eruption that i experienced. doing so is allowing me to step back and realize ill be ok and time rolls along, as do our minds and emotions.
i am working on falling out of love and its really hard. like i found out a certain artist was going on tour, or the other time where i was told i could never donate plasma on account of being a man that's slept with another man (that's still a rule in the united states) and i really felt myself tugging in the direction of him and wanting to pour all of my words and time into him. i've tried deleting pictures off my phone but i end up crying when i do that. i dont want those memories to be erased, i just wish they didnt hurt so bad. certain things like songs, video games, places, or even just certain feelings remind me of him and it can hurt. one time we were in bed and he told me that he had forgotten we were two seperate people, we felt like one being in that moment. i wonder sometimes if thats something he'll find again. if it's special or not, y'know?
i can feel so stupid sometimes if i let myself think too much about it. like i feel like ive made lots of really bad mistakes and iwish i could apologize over and over again and show everyone that im a different person now. but who knows if thats true in reality. i feel different but like. i just am so confused. i have to just keep pushing and stop looking back at all the mistakes ive made and continue to make decisions that i think will lead me to where i want to be in the future. i have to stop wallowing in phrases like "i'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else" or "when i was feeling down you made that face you do. there's no one in the world who could replace you" and i have to keep looking forward. it's really hard though. but my friend deesse reminds me that this is a normal thing that other people have experienced and i'll be ok. it's comforting to know that people like erykah badu have felt pain and anger similar to mine and have gotten through it. coz when ur in that sort of pain it kind of feels hopeless and like the world has stopped spinning. at least for me it did...
i briefly visited a place of deep anger. i was so angry with him, myself, and the things i cant control for the way things have panned out. i wish i was rich, i wish i was neurotypical, i wish i didnt talk so much, i wish that none of this mattered, i wish that i wouldnt have to work anymore, i wish i paid more attention, i wish i tried harder, i wish i was more considerate, and i wish it was all over. it has been really easy to beat myself up over these things but like. GAH! theres peace in the moments where i realize i cant do anything about it anymore. its all beyond me and i have to accept the hand i have been dealt.
i'm trying not to think about him so much but its hard when it seems like he's plastered everywhere. i have to start taking things back and making them my own again. save some things for myself and myself only yknow. self love or whatever. its a novel concept to me. im working on feeling sympathy for myself and not feeling so damn guilty all the time. guilt basically runs my life but im trying to take the steering wheel back and kick his ass to the backseat. a part of that has been doing weird things i think. ive been a lot more giving and productive lately. like today i plan to burn some cds and hide them around campus to brighten people's day, or even just give them something to think or talk about. maybe i burn a cd with love songs and some guy finds it and gets to talk to his crush about it, and they listen to it together. i dont know that serendipidous stuff like that happens anymore but i'd like to think so. or maybe its me wanting to be the amélie the world needs.
as for now, im going to continue to do my little writings and art. and im going to continue trying to make the people around me happy as well as doing things that will benefit me overall. ill let myself finish dealing with the sadness in my heart with patience and compassion, and once i feel well enough to get up and try again i will. it's all about giving myself and others time to process everything. i might watch a movie tonight or maybe just play more just dance. who knows!
it's time to break down all of the rules and such in my head that looks for joy exclusively in others and instead build up new ways of finding joy. in the movies i watch or the people i observe. or even in the chai tea i make for myself when im good. while i cant rely on myself completely, im getting myself ready for whatever comes my way. ill be able to deal with my emotions alone when i need to and ill be able to analyze and reach out when i need extra support from others. god i feel like i sound so like. self-righteous but like thats not the intention im just trying to do better is all.
until later, i'll talk to u later voupinators. feel free to reach out to me through my email (firstname.lastname@example.org) for any reason. i like knowing im not just yelling into the void, here. much love! we grow and we persist here.
also! check out the friendcities zine vol. 1 HERE, working on it has helped me grow and express myself a lot. ok bye forreals.
2023-02-07 : i loveeee root beer
hi guysss i have been so so so busy lately! i have been trying to get on here to make updates adnd such but omg it has just been IMPOSSIBLE! i've been doing some real world socialization and i hate to admit it, but it's fun!
i have been also a little bit crazy but that is ok and normal for me now. i'm going throught he process of learning how to live for myself and all that jazz. living not selfishly, but with the intention of having a good time and valuing my own time in general. i feel like sometimes i value my time at zero and i end up in all sorts of situations where i am dedicating time to people or activities that do not bring me joy. i'm trying to live more with intention and maximize the time i have in this life.
people are still confusing as ever but i think i have been growing a sort of sympathy or empathy for everyone around me. i can see the interations i have with people from the other side and really consider why they act the way they do. not all of the people who have hurt me in this world know what they're doing, they can be just as clueless as i. im not the only one stumbling through social interactions and im not the only one stuck sitting in bed with headphones blasting wondering what the other person wants from me.
that being said, men are beginning to lost their charm. men are losing their grip on me and the things i do. i keep thinking that i need one to accompany through the hard times and to be there with me through the monotonous, but i am in the process of convincing myself that while it feels nice to be held when things are really fucking awful, i could really grow from dealing with those issues myself or through the support of my friends.
also i stopped my text therapy.... the app i used for that just like. stopped working and accepting the insurance i had. so untreated is how i continue! but my journal has been helping me stay together (thank u carl for motivating me constantly. i really need that sort of thing, even if its unintentional). that being said i'm going to try and write in that today. lot's to say that is too much for here, the drama of my life with nitty gritty details and names.
ALSO!! friendcities zine coming soon!!! tune in for that. BYE!!!
2023-01-18 : bitches are TRYING!!!
hey! i think this entry will be pretty brief, i do want to say that i think people are still so so so confusing and i can never seem to understand what others want from me. i was dramatic in my last blog entry, let that be acknowledged. but that being said im just like so confused all the time!!! and nothing ever stays the same long enough for me to get a grasp on things!
i am a chronically confused person and that's something i have just come to accept, but DAMN! like ugh i get less and less motivated to communicate with others as time goes on and i fear that soon enough i'll be a little hermit. but i am ok and good for now, listening to sonic adventure 2 soundtrack and forgetting...
2023-01-17 : nothing really fits
i'm back to being sad again. lately i feel like i have been involving myself with people that do not fit in with the person i want to be and the idea of who i think should be my support system or whatever. i think i am just always so lonely, i make all kinds of bad decisions and let people so far in so easily and so quickly and then when they leave it feels like i've lost so much. i don't mean to be this way, i try not to be so easily attached but it's just so hard sometimes to not cling to someone who's nice to you.
i just really wish sometimes that the friends that i had were always like. consistent-feeling y'know? which is no jab at my friends because i think that people get busy or maybe i don't reach out enough but oftentimes it feels like i am on the backburner always and i just miss being able to share everything with someone else, it's something i crave these days. every time i try to cultivate something like that again i get burned it feels like, i choose the wrong person and i get hurt when they don't live up to the expections i had but never expressed.
it's so weird! i'm always surrounded by so many people it feels like but yet i never really feel together. phone calls have been getting briefer and briefer and texts have been shorter and shorter. it makes me want to just turn my phone off and pick up my phone only when my parents call to ask how im doing. i just dont even want to have it be an option for people to reach out to me. if i block all the phone calls and texts then nobody is to blame for not reaching out. it'll be my fault for silencing it all.
i can feel so fucking pathetic sometimes when i look at all of the messages i DO get in a day and it just never feels like enough to fill the huge void in my torso that aches for someone to hold me close and say nice things to me. i have just felt like i've been fucking up so much and like i try so hard to change the things about me that i know others won't like, the things i don't like. i keep trying to reach out for therapy but it is just so impossible, i got dropped again and got a new therapist today that i haven't met yet. i'm just so tired of trying again and again and again and i begin to wonder why all of this weight is on my shoulders and what i did to deserve the feelings im constantly plagued with. hopelessness, sadness, aching, extreme glacial loneliness.
i think that i'm going through another period of darkness where i just need to pull some sheets over my eyes and try to walk through my life in the least intrusive way possible. i want to live my life independently of everyone else, i want to not appear in the thoughts or minds of anyone else and i want to be dead to everyone else in thought and memory.
i can be such a bitch sometimes and i try to be nice to everyone but i just UGHHH!!!! i hate the way i am sometimes like ugh i want to just scream out of my window until all of the icicles fall off of the buildings and all of the snow pours off of the trees. if i could see the fury i ignite in myself manifest in that destructive scene i could feel pacified. for now i write this and when my hand leaves the keyboard it does so in a clenched fist that aches to be driven through my reflection in the mirror and into my head where i can rip apart all of the wires in my mind that convey information and thoughts.
i'm going to bed, it is 5 am and i have work tomorrow and i wish i had other plans but i can't seem to muster anything else up for myself. maybe i can walk into the forest and sit in the cold for a while, both to be in my body as well as to show myself how things could really be. i dont know what i mean by that exactly but i think it will be abundantly clear if i lie face down in that mess of trees, suffocated in the snow.
good night and to whomever reads this, i love you =]
2023-01-14 : im happy from time to time!
ok ok OK! you caught me at a good time, i thought i would write something nice because i feel like i have been SO doom and gloom as of late and i want to say that i'm not ALWAYS miserable! in fact i at times will feel the occasional pang of glee! today i have been strummed by the world's best harpist and my chords ring out with happiness and acceptance! let me elaborate.
so like i'm not even THAT happy, but i am just kinda content. coz the thing is i always complain life makes no sense and like it really DOES make no sense but from time to time there appears a path in the chaos that is clear and you are able to traverse it like those glass tube tunnels at the aquarium. you pass so many different people and opportunities and choices but yet you stay on your path admiring the view and like. that is me today. life has been full of so many weirdish opportunities and choices recently and like i am here for it at the moment!
i have been meeting lots of cool people and oftentimes when i meet people i feel this aching sadness that im only grazing someone's life and soon therafter ill find myself sitting alone again with no one to talk to. but idk my perspective is shifting. i mean, what made me sad was that i always give a lot of myself to new people and oftentimes these people don't stay for long, it's a pleasant conversation or a month long correspondence over instagram dm. but i just don't want to have that expectation for anyone anymore! people aren't able to set everything down and stay for you very often, and like i have begun to enjoy those passing meetings that people have with one another.
i also feel like i might be a little manic at the moment but that is something i am choosing to overlook for the sake of the vibe and i think that is perfectly acceptable. it's just that i feel like recently i have been able to talk to someone and find a way to fall in love with them. like i can see all of the positive things that that person embodies to me and what we can do for one another, not in a exploitative way but just what kind of things exist between us that can make us both happy. maybe this makes no sense... but i love everyone!!!
i want to briefly mention that even then, i have been having SO many panic attacks recently. but even then i have recently found someone else that has anxiety and is able to talk to me about it and vice versa. it has been really nice considering i have been put in a place where therapy seems really far away. i think i have just been missing real human connection as of late and i have found myself around people in the real world a lot more often and i give hugs now! i want to hug you if we're saying hi or goodbye!
i am happy being alone now, i always have been but now it feels more sincere to say that. in the same way that someone on a diet may say they don't like pie when it's offered i found myself saying that i enjoyed being alone when i found myself submerged in solitude so often. i have gotten a taste of what it feels like to be heavily socialized and i am in a place now where i can take the alone time and do with it all kinds of fun and productive things for myself. thanks to everyone that talks to be regularly and anyone reading this is super open to messaging me however they feel. we can have a fun email correspondece, an instagram dm, maybe if you're lucky enough we can become irl penpals...
happy music also helps so much. wyd by remi wolf is so good for this happy feeling. so is 人生は夢だらけ by sheena ringo. they both paint such vivid and lovely pictures of the world we live in and i just want to be happy for forever! but even when im sad these songs and the things i love most will be there a the end of the tunnel. maybe if im crying the tears can form a heart for me and i can cry some more! im ready for what's gonna come my way, at least for the next few days.
well im going to try and watch a movie now, here is a video that i reference all the time for funzees... bye! =D
2023-01-02 : my nyew years wishes
happy nyew years to all that will accept it! i am gonna do some reflections here and let's see what i spew out today, these are extemporaneous so bear with me.
something i've noticed about myself is that i oftentimes find myself whispering "it's ok, it's ok, it's ok" and when i notice that i'm like. a little bewildered coz it is not a consious thing i do. it happens when i start to overthink something like a text or something i did or said to a person and i just am like "you're so so so so stupid, please die so i don't have to think about how embarassed i am anymore" and so i have been able to break out of those thought cycles with the "it's ok" bullshit. it's a harmless enough thing but it makes me feel like i am not a well person, y'know? there's like the whole played out done to death "i want to be normal" bullshit that every person with a slightly abnormal life spews but i really do wish i was normal. not only just for myself but for the people i'm around. like if a friend or partner heard me like. having to verbally calm myself down i feel like i would be SO embarassed. but maybe that's just me
anywho, i have been thinking about what i want or would like to otherwise change for myself this coming year and i think that a big thing is that i need to be able to focus on myself alone. i am focused so much on my relationships with others and i have been neglecting myself really bad. i want to keep writing and be consious of the things and thoughts i have but it can be a little difficult. maybe i need to cut back on the splatoon so i can make room for some creative expression. i have been considering using my collage journal that i have on this website already and turning it into a "zine" of sorts. it's like a collection of creative writing as well as visual expression. i would not sell them coz that's just too much, maybe i would just make a printable pdf. idk maybe lmk what you think in an email (email@example.com)
i have been trying to have a healthier relationship with my phone as well! i have been trying to leave it alone while it is charging and instead of charging it overnight i want to put it in a drawer in the morning so that it is not the first thing i look at in the morning. this is all off of some youtube video i watched and it's supposed to be better for me. idk about the validity though, the time i felt most in control of my screentime was when i had deleted all of the social media off of my phone. i got rid of instagram for a while and permanently deleted tiktok, which was hard coz i have fomo asf. i also deleted discord and literally only had like. twitter and my email to check in on. there was never anything there and i realized that i check all of my apps so often to see if anyone has reached out acting like i don't have a literal smartphone with a notification system. idk i live in delusion and am in need of constant attention. i find myself refreshing my neocities chatbox and guestbook sometimes and like i have to step back and be like bro. what are you doing. making my website into social media is literal nightmare.
i want to stop feeling so neglected and ignored! i think this is something that is the fault of no one but myself, as i have a good network of friends and family that i could reach out to at any time and oftentimes ill receive a call like once a day. i just realized im so high maintanence and like... if i go a while without talking to anyone i want to die so bad and like i need to dissect that coz it's weird and also find a way to make peace with the fact that there are reasons other than people hate you for why they haven't called or texted. but beyond that i am kind of regressing to the age of little online crushes that i had my freshman year of high school and like. it's fun! but also makes me feel like such utter shit sometimes. this video is me essentially
having my messages left on read or delivered or not getting that follow back is like. doing psychological damage and i am just so online it hurts. i take everything so personally coz i think i interpret and treat text messages and ims like spoken conversation that almost all messages need a reply. like idk i kind of hate texting for that reason coz there's like. a different culture and etiquete there that i am not fully in approval of. i need to get off of social media so maybe i'll like put a 20 minute limit on instagram or something. i just don't know coz all of my groupchats and shit are on there but i just hate that i have the ability to go and check them every two seconds, y'know?
beyond that i have been wanting to cry a lot lately coz life is just way too complicated for me! like there is always so much going on out there and like my mind will never let me rest. i can't so much as look at a person before fucking throwing myself into a spiral about why i am morally corrupt for looking at a man. i just feel so guilty for everything all the time and i'm hoping to work at that this year. or just whenever i get to it. as of now everything and everyone seems to be some sort of symbol in my life if that makes sense. like this coworker that i have reminds me of my ex a little and so in a way he sort of symbolizes him? and so the way i think about or treat this coworker kind of makes me think about how i would treat my ex now if we had just been meeting, but that comes with its own guilt of me being like. why are you thinking of him, and i swear it's on accident. but like you see what i mean? the gift that friend gave to me years ago and likely doesn't remember? a symbol of our frienship and if i throw it away i am throwing away the past we have together. the ray of light streaming into my room through two crooked blinds? a symbol for the way i cannot control anything really. there are to many variables for me to control anything, even the level of light in my bedroom. shit is exhausting
i hope by reflecting and acknowledging these problems i have i'll be able to work through why they exist and what i can do for myself. i want to see a therapist but each time i look there is just no way i can afford it. i'll be handling business until i'm out of college at least.
one thing i KNOW i'm doing is curating my spotify top artists. shit is going to be tasteful yet sincere, just you wait! ooh now i want to make a spotify stats web page.... ok ok ok one thing at a time.
also, coz i don't want to mislead or worry i want to say i'm not always miserable, it's just kind of something that's at the back of my mind all the time y'know. which idk if it is any better, but i do want to say that i have good times with my friends and i appreciate all they do for me and i love the conversations we have and all that. i just get overwhelmed a lot of the time and that is what this blog sees, maybe someday there will be a really happy blogpost! that remains to be seen. for now i will be drowning things out with really loud punk bands.
2022-12-17 : i am so crazy it hurts
hi guys! i wanted to start a little journal thing here because i ghave not been journaling irl very mu ch and so when it comes to my uni work and stuff being typed out almost always i found that it may be more accessible for me to just write this shit out. and so i am starting with me being so fucking sad! and so maybe skip if you're not in the mood to hear about why im sad or what have you, I don't judge and i understand! that being said let's gooooo
little authors note: there are a LOT of spelling errors that i may or may not correct in the future. also tw sui and sh. this is a major vent post, but also take it with a HUGE grain of salt because my state of mind changes like the weather.
so where it all starts is recently i went through a break0-up, which yeah iss something everyone does, but this break-up has taught me a lot about myself. one of the major things i have come upon the kowledge of is that my partner was entirely the glue keeping me together. casey if you're reading this, dont. but also you can maybe if you'd like. anywhio, we were dating for two years (a little more, actually) and so things ended in a mutual way and blah blah blah i dont want to get into it too deeply for the sake of privacy and like. i want to be respectful. what's important here is that an important factor of this break-up was distance, a 3 hour or so distance that with the help of adhd and an avoidant atachment style did not lend itself well to a healthy and communicative relationship. we realized this trogether and so for the best, we split.
that being said I can't help but feel like it isn't fair. i wish i wasn't so forgetful or so avoidant and it's not like i haven't worked on these things y'know? i tried to do this that and the other, look up videos on adhd plong distance relationships, look up tips for avoidant-anxious attachment style relationships and literally all of the tips were things i had employed already and so it began to feel like things were just not meant to weork there. but like. i have seen online couples with much larger distance and far fewere visits make it and so i keep wondering if its somethjing about me or if theres something i could have done differently. which i think maybe is a bad way to go down but bear with me here because it just made eme do a full fucking like. grabbing my own neck and twisting the life out of it in the mirror kind of introspection.
now that that image is painted, i began to think about myself and the shortcomigns i brought and like. why i am the way i am. why i decide to spontanteously hate people for nor eason other than i imagined they felt some sort of way about me. or maybe how i delete all my social media and listen to the same song on repeat for hours just so i can feel in control again. and like all of the se things that i realizwe that my partner had been, and going forward any other partner would have to, deal with. it is so fucking much to imagine that all of the problems that i have would have to be shared with another person and while a part of it sounds relieving, i know that ultimtely it is not very realistic. that is when i began to think about what i had and what is out there now.
i had a partner that was so patient and willing to work with me through everythuing and i feel sometimes likes i threw him away on some sort of impulsive whim. truly it had been a carefully deliberated decision but i can;'t healp but think that the finger that pulled the trigger was not fully consious of what it was doibng. and now i'm here looking around at options again and i don't want any of it. i recently deleted tiktok because it is such a fucking awfukl place to be for a single gay guiy. i say that and it sounds funny but i swear so seriously because it is either really happy gay couple that are reallyt lucky to have one another, horny thirst trapping men that scare the fuck out of me, and miserable jaded men that show just how unforgiving the dating scene can be for gay guys. i thinka bout what i want from time to time and i don't know at all what i want from a parrtner at this point. i can name a million things i don't want though.
i don't want a man that requires sex of me, and admitting that i know that already my options are blended up and scattered endlessly far away. i just can't imagine someone always looking at me with some sultry eye that wants something from me in the end. i don;'t want every meeting to end with a fuck or a suck, the thought of it makes me clench my fists. i want to be viewed as a person and i want someont o be nice to me. now i feel like that's obvious but i feel like a lot of the dynam,ics that other guys desire at the moment have some sort of bratty submissive and dominant in0-charge archetypes and i don't want to live under archetypes. i feel like a lot of people date another person with the expectation that they will fulfill some sort of relationship fantasy they saw ina video or tv show and i can't bear the thought of it. i feel like i might be sounding pretentious but i don't mean to.
I'm just too picky damn it! but like i just need so much support and i come with so much baggage it feels like. i really loathe the act of bottoming and i feel like crying afterwards each time and i dont know how to explain that to a man. i say that like im not a man, but sometimes it feels like im not. it feels like th emen that i see online and even the ones that walk alongside me are some other creature that i dont fully understand. why is it that they seem to be so confusing. it has made me almost close the book on romance entirely. it feels like theres some secret language boys speaks that i dont understand and as soon as i sort of get an idea of who this guy is and what he wants the whole situation seems to flip itself on its head and i wonder if its all part of the plan. if confusing me is part of the pleasure of socialization or flirting. but i can't play that anymore i think i'll cry if i have to do it anymore. i have to though, i mean the guy that i like to call my best friend even confuses the shit out of me sometimes and sometimes i just want to fucking end that relationship so i don't have to wonder if i mean as much to him as he means to me anymore. or maybe i should just be ok with it either way, but i'm not there yet. and so again the answer is distance, but being disant from friends because i'm to anxious to let them get close makes me cry
i've been crying a lot lately. i cry about how life can be so fucking traumatizing sometimes. i was putting some photos in a phopt album today and was looking at picxtures of friends and i and i can't help but think ablut how everything was so simple and noweveryuthing is so perfverted and complex and how i wish i could go back to just being a sophomore in highschool. romance seemed so easy then and so tangible. it was a game almost, but now it feels like a necessary form of torture you have to endure before you can have a partner to share your pain with. i got really lucky with my ex and i miss hjim so fucking much sometimes. it feels sometimes like he's dead and i am grieving over the life we could've had and the identity i built around him. i kind of am doing the second part.
as for my identity it has also been something that brings me a lot of stress. i have been acting so strangely lately. i have been so reclusive but yet so promiscuous, so impulsive but also overly cautious. it seems like evrything that i do is some sort of experiment and it has led me to a place where i regret a lot. everybody around me is acting so strangely and it doesn;'t help that everything i do is just as much of a mystery. it really does feel like i'm living day to day. but i've been out of school for less than a week and even then it feels like i have completely lost direction.
now HEAR ME OUT when i say this. and tw i should say about sui and sh, but sometimes doesn't it feel like the world is just fucking trying to tell you something. like i started sobbing two days ago over the fact that i have too many versions of myself and that the person that i really am doesn;t exist because i keep doing out of character things and that my idenetity revolved around another person and now i can't seem to form an identity for myself. and then my therapist fucking dropped me as a client? and then i got sick. and from there everything seems to be out against you when you';re in that headspace. my toro inoue lamp fell onto the floor and split in pieces. i woke up late for work then got rear ended on the way there. you see what i'm getting at? i was tested that day and i do not mean to alarm the masses but doesn't it seem like the world is saying like. go ahead bitch, end ur shit. tempting offer tbh!!!
i'll be fine for nolw and i am working on just like. protecting myself for a bit. but even then it feels like i still get hurt by the people close to me, so i need to just fucking raw dog this shit until i am happy again. i wish that i didnt have anxiety and depression because maybe instead of writing this i could've written an article about the obscure dreamcast game i found, but at least i could impart this. not that anyone asked but god i need just like. fucking rest. it's just me and fiona apple for a little while. i need to work on a identity for myself and how i can live without another person, but my codependent ass is gonna need some time. i'm a romantic i feel and i want to make cookies and brownies and hug someone who is right in front of me but it just isn't right for me right now. and so for now i will lock my hugs and kisses and playlists in a box and swallow the key. the next bitch who wants it can dig
it's gonna hurt when they dig it out but im ready to be empty already. come and get it!