voupie's blog!

2026-08-19 : earth is turning

i haven't written one of these in forever! i was looking back at this website and also the old stuff on the friendcities social media and i was just struck by how much has changed in my life since i started this website. i was still in high school and now im trying to use my degree, it's so cool it all exists here together.

i feel like one of the hardest things about something like this is starting and having to build out this website from scratch but i was literally neglecting this project i had built out so far. it felt good to rebrand and it also feels in line with me making music. i have a track out now, UCTMDT with my friend Ashley. I have been going crazyyyy with making new stuff and I have soooo much I want everyone to hear all at once. but like lemme get this first EP out first...

i love adding a video game-y or latin twist to some sound or genre that doesn't usually see it. i added a salsa bridge to this like. idk... its like electropop-rap? it's called bromance. it'll be out on the 28th, i actually leaked it on my music page HERE. click the question marks hehe. well, for now i wanna share the old cover art for my 1st EP that i didn't end up going with. nice to talk after so long!

i can't wait for everyone to hear the stuff i'm working on rn. i also think that coming back here and expanding voupie.lol will help inspire me in music and like. i sometimes just spend hours and hours in front of my computer playing in Bitwig and i genuinely forget to eat and like i will lay in bed to sleep and i have to get out of bed because i forgot one little tweak to add to the mix. then i do it 10 more times. i think adding another creative outlet will help me not get so hyperfocus and prevent burnout. i feel like with my website i kinda just felt like i had nowhere to go but it's a new age and i have fresh ideas for the internet. let's all start a website on go. ok, go.

2024-04-16 : never wasted

i have tried to write a blog 3 seperate times and they all keep coming out so emotional and annoying! i'm going to post this to say i gave it the good old college try, but i think i'm going to have to rely on my journal for this one.

here's my proof i was annoying in 2019. also my proof i was an early kali uchis fan hehe.

Being alive is just so embarssing. At least it has been for me. I'm just pretty bad at it, I'm getting better though. I'm gonna stop being so negative on the internet, I hope that this isn't an absolute bummer to read, but I'm learning. The next lesson to learn is that life is never wasted. There's always time to change your trajectory, to be better, to do something different. Sometimes I really wish I could just reset my life and try again but since I can't I'll just learn to cope instead. Appreciate the awesome stuff around me. And the people. I'm entering a new era where I'll be appreciative, emo, and simple. We'll see how that goes.

2023-07-15 : up and down

hey guys! it's been a LONG time since i updated this thing. as i type this out i am also putting together a new set of songs for the homepage of my website. i hope to come and update this way more because it's like a language yk. i need to code or else i'll lose the skill. i just havent really been on the internet all THAT much anymore yk. let's get into that.

while i think it was fun for a long time, i think it has become hard for me to just sit alone in my room on the computer. i think that sitting here coding and being creative was good, but i think sometimes i was trying to improve things for other people. for like recognition and validation. i think that was bad for me, maybe. i also stopped playing video games as much, i mean last night i played five nights and freddy's in the living room with my boyfriend, but even then it was like an old game we played for the thrill. i dont really sit alone and grind out the rift in dead by daylight anymore. and honestly im a little proud of myself for chemically unbinding myself from the gaming chair. i've been OUTSIDE a lot more....

as some of you reading may know, i live in a very woodsy area now. i grew up in the city with tons of lights people and anxiety. i think for one of the first times in my life i feel really like grounded and im not so anxious anymore. going outside has really helped i think. i might go sunbathe later today in a grass field on my local college campus. while there have obvs been some like trials and tribulations in my life, i have also had a way better time seeing things in a positive light. overall i think that being outside with friends has made me really feel like i have found the things that make me happy and how i can prolong my happiness in healthy ways.

here is a picture of a lake some friends and i visited. while we were there we brought a bucket to safely burn some things that made us feel bad. things that were tied to bad memories. it felt good to watch some of those things that made me feel so guilty melt and dissolve into ash. i almost caught on fire. not figuratively, my boyfriend kicked the bucket we set the fire in and it poured liquid flame in my direction. luckily because of my wicked agility i was able to dodge it. all that being said, it was fun and i think that doing that was important for me and my friend alike. nothing was left and afterwards we got canes and all was well.

im still a little bit crazy and my anxiety has been flaring up more these days but i think i've come a long way otherwise yk. it's not a battle that ends, it only gets easier. still learning about myself and the people i keep around and the people who raised me. sometimes it's ok to just not know or understand something, sometimes i've learned that learning the reason WHY someone acts a certain way makes you feel worse than if you'd never known at all.

anywho, i dont wanna end this on a bummer note coz i'm happy. i just started my traffic school as i was given a ticket recently. you do 85mph in a 65mph and suddenly you owe the government hundreds of dollars. it's ok though, i've learned and now i will be a grandma driver. im working on pokemon scarlet with my bf (he has violet) and it's been really fun so far! also i may hang out with a friend tonight. she may join me and boyfriend while we play five nights at freddy's. we'll see! anyways, thanks for your time. i'll talk to you lovely people later. i love you all! even if you hate me =)

p.s. i really love kreayshawn. legend.

2023-03-12 : satellites

guys. oh my GOD!!! ok so first of all hi =] let me get into how ive been... its been a while!!!

so anywho i have been doing better and better and better and like. i have been really following my intuition and shit like that

i just love my life so much more these days and im operating through the love in my heart and i am letting it endlessly guide me towards the life i was meant to live. it can be easy to say things are meant to be when youre in a good place but i think i truly have been guided to where i needed to be and i am in a place in my life where im secure in the friends and choices i make. i love them all! every choice i make is honest, and i feel proud of where i am now because of it,

idk how to say it without sounding dumb and stupid and disney. so maybe i wont in fear of sounding a little stupey... but uh... i love telling people how i feel about them and why i like them. you should too!!!

last thing ill mention is that ive been leaving little presents around town in hopes that someone finds it and it brightens their day. or gives them something good to talk about. ive done some cd mixtapes thus far but i plan to spread around some voupie.lol stickers as far as i can send them. the world's a magical place!

2023-02-25 : fuck!

omg so it's been a little while. both from this blog in particular as well as just my contributions to this website. sorry about that by the way =T. anywho, i wanted to talk about being crazy again.

i process my emotions really slowly and i feel kinda stupid about that sometimes. it can be super frustrating when other people are able to move on from situations much faster than me. i am a slow person and i am young and uneducated.

journaling has helped me a lot.

ive just begun a routine of doing several "just dance" routines a day to like. stay active during the wintertime. it works for me i guess is all i can say. ive been doing a lot of creative things too which i think is really good for me. that being said, i think creativity often comes to me in times of despair. i made a breakup playlist recently though thats been helping hehe. uh, ill link that... HERE. having gone through this, i have really been resonating with certain songs and messages in a way that i haven't been able to before. it makes me realize why so many breakup songs exist, its such a powerful and painful thing.

i have to just keep pushing and stop looking back at all the mistakes ive made and continue to make decisions that i think will lead me to where i want to be in the future. i have to stop wallowing in phrases like "i'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else" or "when i was feeling down you made that face you do. there's no one in the world who could replace you" and i have to keep looking forward. it's really hard though. but my friend deesse reminds me that this is a normal thing that other people have experienced and i'll be ok. it's comforting to know that people like erykah badu have felt pain and anger similar to mine and have gotten through it. coz when ur in that sort of pain it kind of feels hopeless and like the world has stopped spinning. at least for me it did...

im doing weird things i think. ive been a lot more giving and productive lately. like today i plan to burn some cds and hide them around campus to brighten people's day, or even just give them something to think or talk about. i dont know that serendipidous stuff like that happens anymore but i'd like to think so. or maybe its me wanting to be the amélie the world needs.

until later, i'll talk to u later voupinators. feel free to reach out to me through my email (voupie@proton.me) for any reason. i like knowing im not just yelling into the void, here. much love! we grow and we persist here.

also! check out the friendcities zine vol. 1 HERE, working on it has helped me grow and express myself a lot. ok bye forreals.

2023-02-07 : i loveeee root beer

hi guysss i have been so so so busy lately! i have been trying to get on here to make updates adnd such but omg it has just been IMPOSSIBLE! i've been doing some real world socialization and i hate to admit it, but it's fun!

i have been also a little bit crazy but that is ok and normal for me now. i'm going throught he process of learning how to live for myself and all that jazz. living not selfishly, but with the intention of having a good time and valuing my own time in general. i feel like sometimes i value my time at zero and i end up in all sorts of situations where i am dedicating time to people or activities that do not bring me joy. i'm trying to live more with intention and maximize the time i have in this life.

that being said, men are beginning to lost their charm.

my journal has been helping me stay together (thank u carl for motivating me constantly. i really need that sort of thing, even if its unintentional). that being said i'm going to try and write in that today. lot's to say that is too much for here, the drama of my life with nitty gritty details and names.

ALSO!! friendcities zine coming soon!!! tune in for that. BYE!!!

2023-01-18 : chronically confused

hey! i think this entry will be pretty brief, i do want to say that i think people are still so so so confusing and i can never seem to understand what others want from me. i was dramatic in my last blog entry, let that be acknowledged. but that being said im just like so confused all the time!!! and nothing ever stays the same long enough for me to get a grasp on things!

i am a chronically confused person and that's something i have just come to accept, but DAMN! i am ok and good for now, listening to sonic adventure 2 soundtrack and forgetting...

2023-01-17 : nothing really fits

i'm back to being sad again.

it's so weird! i'm always surrounded by so many people it feels like but yet i never really feel together. it makes me want to just turn my phone off and pick up my phone only when my parents call to ask how im doing. i just dont even want to have it be an option for people to reach out to me.

i think that i'm going through another period of darkness where i just need to pull some sheets over my eyes and try to walk through my life in the least intrusive way possible. i want to live my life independently of everyone else, i want to not appear in the thoughts or minds of anyone else and i want to be dead to everyone else in thought and memory.

i can be such a bitch sometimes and i try to be nice to everyone but i just UGHHH!!!! i hate the way i am sometimes like ugh i want to just scream out of my window until all of the icicles fall off of the buildings and all of the snow pours off of the trees.

good night!

2023-01-14 : im happy from time to time!

ok ok OK! you caught me at a good time, i thought i would write something nice because i feel like i have been SO doom and gloom as of late and i want to say that i'm not ALWAYS miserable! in fact i at times will feel the occasional pang of glee! today i have been strummed by the world's best harpist and my chords ring out with happiness and acceptance! let me elaborate.

so like i'm not even THAT happy, but i am just kinda content. coz the thing is i always complain life makes no sense and like it really DOES make no sense but from time to time there appears a path in the chaos that is clear and you are able to traverse it like those glass tube tunnels at the aquarium. you pass so many different people and opportunities and choices but yet you stay on your path admiring the view and like. that is me today. life has been full of so many weirdish opportunities and choices recently and like i am here for it at the moment!

i have been meeting lots of cool people and oftentimes when i meet people i feel this aching sadness that im only grazing someone's life and soon therafter ill find myself sitting alone again with no one to talk to. but idk my perspective is shifting. i mean, what made me sad was that i always give a lot of myself to new people and oftentimes these people don't stay for long, it's a pleasant conversation or a month long correspondence over instagram dm. but i just don't want to have that expectation for anyone anymore! people aren't able to set everything down and stay for you very often, and like i have begun to enjoy those passing meetings that people have with one another.

i also feel like i might be a little manic at the moment but that is something i am choosing to overlook for the sake of the vibe and i think that is perfectly acceptable. it's just that i feel like recently i have been able to talk to someone and find a way to fall in love with them. like i can see all of the positive things that that person embodies to me and what we can do for one another, not in a exploitative way but just what kind of things exist between us that can make us both happy. maybe this makes no sense... but i love everyone!!!

i want to briefly mention that even then, i have been having SO many panic attacks recently. but even then i have recently found someone else that has anxiety and is able to talk to me about it and vice versa. it has been really nice considering i have been put in a place where therapy seems really far away. i think i have just been missing real human connection as of late and i have found myself around people in the real world a lot more often and i give hugs now! i want to hug you if we're saying hi or goodbye!

happy music also helps so much. wyd by remi wolf is so good for this happy feeling. so is 人生は夢だらけ by sheena ringo. they both paint such vivid and lovely pictures of the world we live in and i just want to be happy for forever! but even when im sad these songs and the things i love most will be there a the end of the tunnel. maybe if im crying the tears can form a heart for me and i can cry some more! im ready for what's gonna come my way, at least for the next few days.

well im going to try and watch a movie now, here is a video that i reference all the time for funzees... bye! =D

2023-01-02 : my nyew years wishes

happy nyew years to all that will accept it! i am gonna do some reflections here and let's see what i spew out today, these are extemporaneous so bear with me.

anywho, i have been thinking about what i want or would like to otherwise change for myself this coming year and i think that a big thing is that i need to be able to focus on myself alone. i am focused so much on my relationships with others and i have been neglecting myself really bad. i want to keep writing and be consious of the things and thoughts i have but it can be a little difficult. maybe i need to cut back on the splatoon so i can make room for some creative expression. i have been considering using my collage journal that i have on this website already and turning it into a "zine" of sorts. it's like a collection of creative writing as well as visual expression. i would not sell them coz that's just too much, maybe i would just make a printable pdf. idk maybe lmk what you think in an email (voupie@proton.me)

i have been trying to have a healthier relationship with my phone as well! i have been trying to leave it alone while it is charging and instead of charging it overnight i want to put it in a drawer in the morning so that it is not the first thing i look at in the morning. this is all off of some youtube video i watched and it's supposed to be better for me. idk about the validity though, the time i felt most in control of my screentime was when i had deleted all of the social media off of my phone. i got rid of instagram for a while and permanently deleted tiktok, which was hard coz i have fomo asf. i also deleted discord and literally only had like. twitter and my email to check in on. there was never anything there and i realized that i check all of my apps so often to see if anyone has reached out acting like i don't have a literal smartphone with a notification system. idk i live in delusion and am in need of constant attention. i find myself refreshing my neocities chatbox and guestbook sometimes and like i have to step back and be like bro. what are you doing. making my website into social media is literal nightmare.

having my messages left on read or delivered or not getting that follow back is like. doing psychological damage and i am just so online it hurts. i take everything so personally coz i think i interpret and treat text messages and ims like spoken conversation that almost all messages need a reply. like idk i kind of hate texting for that reason coz there's like. a different culture and etiquete there that i am not fully in approval of. i need to get off of social media so maybe i'll like put a 20 minute limit on instagram or something. i just don't know coz all of my groupchats and shit are on there but i just hate that i have the ability to go and check them every two seconds, y'know?

as of now everything and everyone seems to be some sort of symbol in my life if that makes sense. the gift that friend gave to me years ago and likely doesn't remember? a symbol of our frienship and if i throw it away i am throwing away the past we have together. the ray of light streaming into my room through two crooked blinds? a symbol for the way i cannot control anything really. there are to many variables for me to control anything, even the level of light in my bedroom. shit is exhausting

i hope by reflecting and acknowledging these problems i have i'll be able to work through why they exist and what i can do for myself.

sigh.

one thing i KNOW i'm doing is curating my spotify top artists. shit is going to be tasteful yet sincere, just you wait! ooh now i want to make a spotify stats web page.... ok ok ok one thing at a time.

also, coz i don't want to mislead or worry i want to say i'm not always miserable, it's just kind of something that's at the back of my mind all the time y'know. which idk if it is any better, but i do want to say that i have good times with my friends and i appreciate all they do for me and i love the conversations we have and all that. i just get overwhelmed a lot of the time and that is what this blog sees, maybe someday there will be a really happy blogpost! that remains to be seen. for now i will be drowning things out with really loud punk bands.

cheers!